Worth the wait
by otherwoman
Summary: As the days go on they do their best to move on. They work as best as they can and stay professional. But every work day has to end and then they are left alone with their thoughts and regrets. Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of Suits. They belong to their original creators and are used for non-profit entertainment purposes alone.


He has panic attacks. He can't sleep. He can't think. He makes mistake by mistake. It is like he wasn't himself anymore. And he's not. Harvey once said he doesn't want to find out what kind of lawyer he'd be without Donna. Now he has found out what kind of man he is without her. The facts are these; he's small, pitiful and vulnerable and he has no idea what to do or think or.. feel. Donna was his brain and conscience. She was his everything. _I can't be me without you._ Actually, he can't be anything without her.

She does what she does best, acts. Once she wiped away her tears and corrected her make-up, she was ready to put on her best smile and face the reality. Donna tried her best to push away the recent events. So she threw herself into work. And she was working for Louis. It's nothing far different from what she used to do for Harvey _. For 12 years._ The biggest difference is that.. she and Louis are not like _this_. Louis may understand her artistic pursuits but... it's different now. A new chapter.

Norma's death was a big shock to everyone at the firm. Such a terrible event forces people to stop for a second and think about life itself. And death. When someone dies we tend to think about all the things we never said and done. This regret is at first what seems to be unbearable. We can't forgive ourselves all the moments that have passed and will never be regained. Louis regrets all the "thank yous" he never said to Norma, but eventually he will move on. Sooner than later probably. Because death changes nothing. The world may stop for a moment, but it will move on. As Louis was getting overly emotional during his speech, Harvey was thinking about his own regret. The "I love yous" he never said and all the horrible things he's done. And it's eating him from the inside. He knows that a piece of him died and moving on is not on a menu. Donna felt as if she was hollow inside. All the anger and despair and betrayal mingled together and created an overwhelming nothing. She was lying to herself she could ever move on.

As the days go on they do their best to move on. They work as best as they can and stay professional. But every work day has to end and then they are left alone with their thoughts and regrets. Donna spends her evenings drinking her favourite wine and rereading Shakespeare plays trying to memorise as much as she can so she can compete with Louis. Harvey drowns all his sorrows in whisky and jazz. It's kind of ironic to him that even though he saved Donna from going to prison he still lost her. He can't wrap his mind around the reason behind it. He fought too hard or not enough? What was really at the stake? But all these questions are just a cover for his real crime. Hurting Donna despite saving her life. Saying "I love you" and then taking it back. The punishment? According to the international code of human decency- being left alone. And so he sits all alone in his 5th avenue apartment staring at the cactus Donna gave him just a few days ago. A stinging reminder of what he had and what he lost. On the other side of Manhattan Donna sips wine from the glass and it tastes like every evening she could have with Harvey if things went differently. He's at the bar and they play the very song that was playing when he met Donna for the first time. No, she introduced herself to him. He almost smiles at that memory. She sees kids outside playing basketball and she can't help, but think about Harvey's signed collection of basketballs. To Harvey Donna is like a ghost and he finds herself everywhere he goes- every redhead, can opener, vanilla in his coffee is a painful reminder of his loss. She can't really sleep for every time she closes her eyes she sees his face. How broken he was when she told him she' leaving him. And when a few days ago she had to say no to him. She kept her composure until he disappeared in the corridor. She rushed to the ladies room and she just broke down. She couldn't stop the tears from falling, she wasn't able to catch her breath as if someone kicked her in the stomach. She just sat on the cold floor wishing no one will enter the room until she regains control over herself. She's Donna. She never loses control. It's like a joke.

Some days they will exchange politeness, share a perfectly faked smile and as soon as they part they will try to calm their heartbeats. Work became a mechanical process. No deeper thoughts. Harvey feels more dead than alive and the visits at the psychiatrists are not all that helpful. His thoughts are a mess made of fear that he has damaged Donna and an obsession of stealing her away from Louis. And then again he hates himself for thinking of Donna as his property. Some days are better than others. Some go even very well. Donna focuses on being the best legal secretary in New York trying to forget waking up at night calling Harvey's name. Which seems out of place given that they were never actually together. He was never hers. Yes, they were friends and he was her boss, but ever since any possibility of them being close again was gone she went insane. Still, she allows herself at the end of each day to think of all the "what ifs" hating herself for that. For pitying the man who broke her heart.

One evening she comes back home only to find Harvey waiting outside the building with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers in his hand and his heart on his sleeve.

-Harvey, what are you doing here?- she asks surprised. She doesn't know whether she's glad he's here or she's pissed he thinks some weeds can buy her. She accepts the gift nonetheless.

-I wanted to tell you something. A lot of things actually.- She notices he's genuinely nervous. The great Harvey Specter can't find words. Another time she would make fun of him.- But I need you, I ask you to not interrupt me.

Donna finds herself lost of words too so she just nods. Her heart pounds heavily in her chest and she's afraid Harvey may notice that her hands are shaking.

-First of all I wanted to thank you. For these 12 years. For keeping me in line, for being my voice of reason and my conscience, for always being honest with me, for being my moral compass, for making me laugh, for keeping my secrets, for fighting by my side, for never losing faith in me. –Harvey takes a deep breath. His hands are shaking as well.- For sacrificing your own life for mine.

Donna feels as if she was about to burst into tears any moment. She needs to run. Fast.

-If that's everything, I'd..

-I'm not done.- His voice is strong and little does Donna know he must use all of his strength to keep it from breaking.- Second of all.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting my needs above yours. I'm sorry for being harsh when I needn't to. I'm sorry for not voicing enough how much I value your work and your talent. I'm sorry for ruining everything we had. I'm sorry for acting as if I owned you- you're not anyone's property. Not mine nor Louis'.

-Well. Thank you, Harvey. I really appreciate your words and...

-Donna. Will you please shut up and let me finish?- His words put her off the stroke.- I'm sorry for telling you that my words were out of sheer pity. I don't pity you. I admire you. I said what I said, because I'm a fucking coward. I was afraid. Afraid of you going to prison and then...

-What?

-Of what will happen next. I tend to lose people I care about as soon as I get attached. I was scared that the same will happen to us and- he starts laughing.- and I still lost you! But I won't be a coward anymore Donna. I love you. –Her heart stops and she's praying for her legs to not give up and her tears to just stop.- I love you now. I loved you that evening, I have loved you for past 12 years and sure as hell I will love forever.

-Why are you doing this?-Her voice is a bare whisper.-What are you trying to achieve? Make me as miserable as you are?

-Donna...-He looks genuinely hurt by her words.

-If it's some kind of bullshit to make me leave Louis, I swear..- her voice breaks and she decides to give herself a moment.

-It's not. I love you and I mean it. You want to work for Louis? Fine. But the thought of us being strangers to each other... It makes me sick to my guts, ok?

-You're mistaking loss with love, Ha...

-I know exactly what I feel. I know we made that deal the other time, but honestly it doesn't mean a shit to me. I will cross the line, because that's what I want to do and I should have done it years ago.

-What do you want me to say?-Donna's not even trying to keep herself together anymore. She's been waiting for that moment for so long, but a little voice at the back of her head's telling her to trust no word coming out of Harvey's mouth.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Donna. –He smiles at her. The Specter smile, she thinks to herself. –I just needed you to hear me. I needed you to know all this. –He draws a deep breath.-I won't keep you outside anymore. Goodnight, Donna.

He turns and heads towards his car. For Donna, it's like the time slowed down. She thinks of what she just heard, of that fight at Harvey's office, of the other time, of that evening night before the fight. She also hears Louis' words from Norma's farewell. _Don't let the moment pass. Don't let the people you love walk by you without you letting them know how you feel about them, because life slips by and then it's over_. And with no fear or regret she does what sh to do. She quickly approaches Harvey and kisses him. She kisses him as if no time has passed and at the same time as if everything's changed. This one, long, passionate kiss is made of every fight, every tear, every victory, every laugh and every moment they shared for these past 12 years. She's the one to break the kiss first and as Harvey's looking at her, apparently stunned, she just smiles, tears still running down her face.

-It wasn't that hard was it?- She asks and he laughs and she follows. Harvey kisses her again, holding her tight too afraid she may be stolen from him and he doesn't give a shit about the future. He cares only for Donna. –I love you too, Harvey Specter.


End file.
